Marriage and Sex Patterns- Sociological Approach - Part Two

Hasan Yahya, Ph.D

In the Arab culture: Sex in Arab and Muslim countries is a taboo to be even mentioned. Sex is a part of maturity of the male and female to perform a husband-wife responsibilities. In such culture, women as well as men do not believe in having sex outside marriage. Those who had sex with partners are always afraid of getting pregnant. Such an act outside wedlock is prohibited and even punishable by family before court intervention. In many cases, depending on the social environment, women usually pay for that offence, rather than men. Arabic culture is a totally male dominated culture. The father, or the elder brother take the role of defending the family honor by killing the woman while others are witnessing. In most cases if they were convicted, they will feel proud of themselves, in addition, the court will not perceive the killing as a first degree murder, and a token sentence will be made, which is undermining women’s human rights in this case. This is the general fear for most women who are in love with partners outside the family circle.

In the Gulf area and elsewhere in the Arab and Muslim world, women usually have sex . They are engaged when alone with partners embracing, kissing, and fondling, but not through organs which may lead to pregnancy. Therefore, women give permission to use the other methods but without intercourse. It is much safer in that case than real intercourse. Women, especially young girls are very sharp aggressors in this case, when they are fond of someone else older than them, whither they are teachers, drivers, or even sale people, The Gulf States women find their ways to have sex no matter dangerous that was. What they want is what is matter and rarely accept defeat in their multiple attempts. This is encouraged by parent absence, the availability of money in the hands , and the availability of cars.

The internet, these days increases the possibilities of having friends to have sex away from family house, several attempts of suicide usually committed by girls after the discovery of pregnancy, and the refusal of offenders to marriage commitment. Most of these suicide attempts are unreported and covered for the honor of the family which is practiced in all Arab and Muslim countries.

Sex and Marriage in the Arab countries: Marriage is encouraged in early years after eighteen years of age in most Arab countries, But the economic crunch, lead many young people to have late marriage after 24 especially when families cannot support marriage expenses which includes Mahr [dowry) or engagement parties which is high and reach in some places over thirty thousand dollars. Such obstacles have invented new types of marriage among young and old men and women.

Marriage types in the Arab and Muslim countries:

1. Normal marriage: which is widely practiced and common in the society, where the engagement and marriage ceremonies are recognized. This type of marriage is highly encouraged as a legal matrimony practice. Any deviation from such marriage which includes the principles of legal marriage in Islam, have less value and therefore, prohibited except in the following types.

2. ‘Urfi marriage: unannounced secret marriage, between a woman and a man, usually it is wider among university students and city employees. It does not cost much, and does not need furnished family home.

3. Secret Marriages: In Islam, marriage to be valid, has to meet certain requirements such as ishhar (announcement), the payment of the mahr (dowty), the consent of both parties, the permission of the wali (woman's guardian, a father or old brother or uncle), and the presence of witnesses. (Read box IV for a question answer dialogue between a woman and legal authority.)

4. Shigar Marriage: In Islam, this type of marriage is prohibited. It is a marriage is when someone condition to marry a woman, to let the woman's father or brother to marry the groom daughter or sister.

Ibn Umar (Allah be pleased with them) said that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar marriage which means that a man gives his daughter in marriage on the condition that the other gives his daughter to him in marriage with- out any dower being paid by either.

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar. Ibn Numair added: Shighar means that a person should say to the other person: Give me the hand of your daughter in marriage and I will (in return) marry my daughter to you; or merry me your sister, and I will marry my sister to you. [Sahi Muslim, The Book Marriage]

5. Mut’ah marriage:The wikipedia defines this type of marriage as: marriage for pleasure, or sigheh, is a fixed-term marriage contract according to the Usuli Shia school of Shari’a (Islamic law). The duration of this type of marriage is fixed at its inception and is then automatically dissolved upon completion of its term. Among Sunni followers, this type of marriage is illegal and prohibited. While Shi’a consist a little more than 5% of Muslims, Sunni Muslims constitute 95%. According to Dr. Gabriele Marranci, lecturer in the Anthropology of Islam at the University of Aberdeen, nikah mut‘ah as a fixed-term form of marriage is not mentioned in the Qur’an. The only mention of Islamic marriage is that of nikah itself.

Also forbidden are married women unless they are captives (of war). Such is the decree of God. Lawful for you are women besides these if you seek them with your wealth for wedlock and not for debauchery. Then give those of these women you have enjoyed the agreed dower. It will not be sinful if you agree to something (else) by mutual consent after having settled the dowry. God is certainly all-knowing and all-wise.(Qur’an 4:24)

The rules of Nikahu l-Mut‘ah marriage resembles a nikah (”permanent marriage”) in many, but not all, aspects. It commences in the same way as a Nikah except that a date of expiration for the marriage is added to the marriage contract and the wife has her rights restricted to some extent. The duration is decided by the couple involved. There are no restrictions about minimum and maximum duration. If the period is longer than what can be reasonably expected to be a lifetime, it will transform into a nikah.

During the period of the marriage, the couple are considered husband and wife, just as in a permanent marriage. At the expiration, the marriage is voided without undergoing a Talaq “divorce”. In case of sexual intercourse, the woman must observe the iddah “waiting period” before she can marry anyone else. Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is considered mustahab (recommended) by the Shia. The Shia also regard it as mustahab (recommended) to extend the marriage or to transform it into a permanent one.

The Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is used in Shi‘ah Islam in various ways: It is used in modern times when people move from one place to another, such as from one country to another. Thus students, workers, scholars are allowed to fulfill their sexual and emotional needs if they are in another country. It may lead to permanent marriage afterwards.

It may be used to satisfy one’s sexual needs. There are no requirements of having a witness, a written contract or permission from authorities (Although some people might prefer to complete the contract in the presence of a learned Muslim).

It may be used to become mahram “unmarriable” with somebody with whom they do not intend to cohabit or have a married relationship, but with whom they spend a lot of time (for example, share a house). In order to ease the hijab “modest dress” rules, they engage in a nikahu l-Mut‘ah, specifying in the marriage contract that no physical contact is allowed.

Two people who live under the same roof but are not mahram (un-marriable) and must observe hijab may engage in a symbolic nikahu l-mut‘ah with the others’ offspring for a minimal amount of time (two minutes or less). The Nikahu’l-Mut‘ah does not need to have any practical consequence, but it will make the parent and the offspring’s husband or wife permanently mahram to each other, and thus no longer obliged to observe hijab rules.

Young unmarried couples may decide to use nikahu l-Mut‘ah as a permissible alternative to zina (Adultry). Thus in practice they engage in something very similar to western relations (that is, there is the potential of permanent marriage), but it differs in that there is a specified time as to how long the relationship is to last, with the possibility to prolong that period.

Some divorced men and women, disillusioned with permanent marriage, prefer to commit for only a few years at a time. In 2001, journalist Camelia Entekhabi-Fard claimed that some women earn money in Qom, Iran, by engaging in temporary marriage with pilgrims and religious scholars, in what she claimed was “a thinly veiled form of prostitution.”

The 2004 documentary Prostitution Behind the Veil depicts women in Iran who engage in temporary marriages, which the film terms “Sighe.”

Although nikah mut’ah is usually portrayed in the western media as a form of “Islamic dating”, there are a few differences between it and modern western dating, mainly:A woman is required to observe an iddah (waiting period) after their breakup, if they have consummated their relationship. It is forbidden for women to “date” non-Muslims, and men are not permitted to “date” women of non-monotheistic religions. The two parties must have a verbal consent, although some Shi’as believe that implicit consent is also acceptable.

We got married on January 1st. We want to renew our vows on the beach in florida. Do we have to do it on the same day as our original wedding?

Divorce is one social ill that has befallen the world today. The holy bible detests divorce. The society itself abhors divorce with passion but still every day that passes by marriages fail. Most marriages today are being patched and if care is not taken divorce will still set in. Divorce is always very common in American and European countries as opposed to some countries in Africa. Divorce has a lot evil trends it leaves behind any time it occurs. In some cases children born to such marriages feel deprived of either motherly care or fatherly care. There are many different causes and reasons for divorce, each of them specific to that particular couple’s marital relationship, their individual experiences and personal problems. In general, all the divorce experienced in the world today is as a result of one of the following:

· Immaturity: These days you see a lot of ladies jumping into marriage because of money at a very tender age. When one life challenge or the other comes, the marriage crashes because the lady jumped into marriage at an unripe age when she virtually knows nothing about marriage and life experiences and challenges.

· Infidelity: This has been one of the major causes of divorce. Most marriages have crashed as a result of this. Either the man found out that his wife is cheating on him or the other way round. Only few people can find out about their spouses infidelity and still go on with the marriage.

· Abandonment: Marriage is a union and a union is always between two people. When one of the couple starts feeling that his or her spouse is abandoning him or her, the notion is that another person is taking his or her attention. If not properly checked at this stage, divorce results.

· Lack of Communication: Communication is very important in a relationship. The man for instance should make sure the wife knows what he is doing at all times, where he is going, what he does, his plans etc, on the other hand the wife should not have any secret. When any of the parties starts feeling that there are some things they don’t know, insecurity sets in and if not checked divorce ensues.

· Physical Abuse: Most men turn their wives into punching bags. This is not good as your wife is supposed to be your best friend. Many women endure this and try to patch up their marriage especially in the African countries, but its not so in most developed countries like America. This is another point that causes over 50% of divorce cases today.

· Drug and Alcohol Abuse: Most marriages today have failed because of alcohol and drug abuse. Many ladies enter into marriages without knowing the men they are getting married to until they are in the marriage. When this later unfolds such marriages collapse.

· Ego Problem: Some women are richer than their husbands. Some are more influential because of their positions in society. Due to this, such women don’t like being under their husbands and the man in the bid to show his ego, as the man of the house will not take it. If this tussle is not managed well, such marriage will collapse.

· Sexual Abuse: Most men turn their wives to sex machine. No respect for the woman and her desires. Some men see sexual intercourse as food and will not want to care about their wives feeling and reaction. This has destroyed a lot of marriages.

· Joblessness: Most marriages have crashed because the man could not perform his duties of taking care of the family due to unemployment. Some ladies cannot stand living with a man who cannot provide for her.

· Lust: What most people today call love at first site is lust. You see a woman the first day, you conclude you love her and before one says jack both of you are at the alter exchanging marriage vows. When the truth unfolds, the marriage crashes and people say they fell out of love. It is lust.

· Cultural and Religious Differences: Most people marry people from diverse cultural backgrounds. There have been several cases where most Africans marry Europeans or American citizens only to find out later that they cannot cope with the cultural or religious differences. For peace to reign they go their separate ways (divorce).

· Crime: Most marriages crash as a result of one partner getting involved in crime. People with very good moral background cannot take it to continue living with a man or woman who is arrested and probably imprisoned for crime.

· Incompatibility: If the man and woman are not compatible, there is every reason that the marriage will not succeed. They may be sexually, physically, spiritually or morally incompatible.

· Family Background: The truth is that family background has a lot of influence on people. If your parents divorced, watch it you need to work on your self, otherwise there is every likelihood that you will also divorce.

· Failed Expectations: This is another major reason why many marriages fail. People enter into marriage with a lot of expectations. If these expectations are not met or cut short, it leads to divorce.

The list of reasons why marriages fail or why couples divorce can go on and on. But a lot of researches and real life experiences dance around these points enumerated above.

I got married one year ago this 12/10. We saved the top of the wedding cake and its been in the freezer for 363 days as of this writing. Its been wrapped in plastic wrap and tin foil the whole time. Someone suggested taking it out the day before and letting it thaw on the counter for 24 hours. Anyone know? Thanks!

Wedding invitations serve as a symbol of an upcoming unity between two souls. Regardless of the wedding invitation’s formality and uniqueness, the wedding invitation one should send has to give visitors an idea what will really transpire and how they should properly prepare for the event. Of course, if your wedding has a biker theme, you do not want your visitors to come to your wedding in formal attire. The wedding invitation should inform people, who will attend your wedding, of the attire and role they have to play in your wedding.

Aside from considering the purpose of a wedding invitation, proper wedding invitation writing should also be considered. The kind of words that that you should use in your wedding invitation should properly describe the mood of your upcoming wedding. Complete names should be used when addressing your guests. A Christian wedding invitation, for instance, includes all the people who will be part of the wedding. A Christian wedding invitation informs guests what role they need to play and what attire they have to wear. Unlike wedding shower invitations, which is informal, wedding invitations should normally be formal and should be the first aspect of your wedding plans.

Since you are cordially inviting your dearest ones to the greatest celebration of your life, it is just fair and proper to let them know what they need to do to prepare for your wedding. Wedding invitations should let your visitors know who they should bring and the number of people they are allowed to bring.

If you are having trouble looking for unique wedding invitations then your best bet is to look for unique and stylish wedding stationeries online. There are several sites that can give you samples of unique wedding invitation designs. All you have to do is look for the one that suits you and personalize it. It is important that you exercise creativity in designing your wedding invitations. As much as possible, pattern your wedding invitation’s design with your personality and the personality of your fiancée.

Keep in mind that you only get to wed once, so you have to make the most of it by carefully planning each detail. Every detail you choose will define your wedding so you need to make sure that details you will choose for your wedding invitation are stylish, sentimental and sophisticated.

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Their creative instincts and unwavering dedication to creative excellence have resulted in an extensive collection of hand-made invitations and matching accessories that will set your occasion apart.

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The importance of a unique wedding invitation cannot be stressed enough. Though some people think that it is only a wedding invitation and that it does not really define one’s wedding but the love the couple feel for one another, you have to make sure your wedding invitation is unique and romantic because it will serve trigger your guests’ first impression to what your wedding will be like.

A wedding is one of the most expensive life experiences today, and next to buying a home, it may be one of the most expensive things you pay for in your life. Unfortunately some couples end up dealing with disaster after a wedding because they were not informed on how to pay for their wedding responsibly. So, before you plan out your wedding, here are seven important things you need to know about paying for your wedding.

Setting a Budget is Imperative

First of all, setting a budget for your wedding is imperative. This includes finding out who is going to pay for what. Calculate the amount of money that you have from family members towards the wedding and then the money that you can spend as well. Then you’ll have an estimate of your budget. Sticking to the budget is important.

Pay By Credit Card Whenever Possible

You have several options for payment when you are purchasing items and services for your wedding. However, it is often best to pay with your credit card. Sometimes you’ll find that paying in cash can get you in trouble, especially if the company goes under before you receive your goods. Most credit cards have policies that will ensure you get your money back.

You Must Prioritize Spending

There are many things that you will need to spend money on for your wedding. It’s a good idea to come up with a list. However, you are going to have to prioritize your spending. Decide what is important to you and focus on those things. You probably won’t be able to afford every little thing, so make sure you get the important things. After all, it’s not the things that make a wedding day special.

Always Get Estimates in Writing

As you hire various professionals for services, such as your photographer, videographer, or even a DJ, you’ll want to make sure that you get estimates in writing. Look closely at what is included in those estimates. You don’t want to end up paying hundreds more after the wedding because you asked for services that cost above and beyond the estimate.

Avoid Going into Debt to Pay for the Wedding

Today there are actually special wedding loans out there that you can get and it’s very easy to rack up a lot of credit card debt for your wedding as well. However, why would you want to start off your married life deep in debt? So, stick with the money you have and cut down the size of the wedding if you have to, but avoid wedding debt.

Every Guest is Going to Cost You

Remember, every single guest you invite is going to cost you. You’ll pay for food, drinks, favors, cutlery, and more for every single person. In this case, narrowing down your guest list can be important and a great way to save money when you’re paying for the wedding.

Great Advantages to Paying for Your Own Wedding

Although you may have offers to help pay for the wedding from mom and dad or other family members, there are many advantages to paying for your wedding yourself. Paying for the wedding on your own insures that you are in control and you can say no to unwanted advice as well.

I’m having a big wedding. Do you think 2 photographers and 2 videographers will be enought to get great coverage of the wedding?

In a perfect world marriage therapy to repair your family’s relationships would be redundant.Everyone would get along and everyone who became engaged and married would stay together forever out of love and happiness. However, as anyone will tell you, this is far from being a perfect world and divorce is happening at a larger rate with each passing decade.

This does not mean that society is breaking down and the family unit is no longer functioning, far from it. What is happening is that our busy lives are starting to take over our marriages.

The days of working nine to five and being home with the family are long gone. Now, couples both work nine to five, and then go home and work some more. In some cases they are transporting the kids to and from extracurricular activities.

All this creates a distance between husband and wife because they rarely see each other. In fact, they see their co-workers more than they see each other and that is where the marriage fragmentation begins.

When this happens, it may be time to take a look at marriage therapy or even engage a marriage therapist who can come in and look at the state of your family and your marriage and offer solutions to make things work. This professional is a marriage therapist or marriage and family therapist. Their job is to resolve the problems in your home and help everyone get together and function properly as a family unit.

Many husbands and wives will try and avoid the marriage therapy route because they feel that marriage therapy is something done by people with severe problems. They do not see their own problems as severe and the desire to ‘fix things ourselves’ is often very strong. However, this is the wrong way to look at it.

When your car is not working right, it means that one part is not working as well as it should. That one part problem then creates a multitude of other problems down the line. Do you fix it yourself? Unless you are a mechanic, you most likely do not. You hire someone to come and fix your vehicle for you because you want it done right.

A marriage and family therapist is a mechanic for the problems with your marriage. Somewhere in the framework of the marriage there is a problem. Hence, there is a need to fix that problem with repair work. You do not want an amateur doing this.

You want a professional working at helping making your family whole again. You want a licensed marriage family therapist who can fix your marriage.

Psychologists, psychotherapist, marriage counselors and marriage therapists all do the same thing, just under different names. They offer you relationship advice in one form or another to help your family therapy work. They not only work with you, but with your spouse, your children, your friends and extended family. They work with everyone so that everyone can work together to make sure that your marriage works. Do you think your parents want to see the marriage fail?

Does your best friend want you to split up with your spouse? Unlikely. Therefore it is important for the licensed marriage family therapist to work with everyone in one form or another to fix your marriage.

However, it is not enough to simply hire a marriage counselor to come and repair your marriage. The two most important people in the marriage; you and your spouse, need to be completely on board with the marriage therapy.

If you are not, or your spouse is not, then the marriage counseling will suffer significantly. Instead of being able to work through your problems, your marriage counselor will struggle with being able to work through your own roadblocks. This is the easiest way to keep marriage resolution success from happening.

Family counselors and marriage counselors work for the sole purpose of making families work. They want families to work because they have chosen to do something good with their lives by helping people. They want to see you ten years from now, still with your spouse, and completely in love and over any problems that may have existed previously.

It is important to understand that it is highly unlikely that you will come across a problem in your marriage that marriage therapy cannot repair. Everything can be fixed and it all comes down to how willing you and your spouse are to make things work together.

As was stated earlier, marriage does not always follow a rosy path. As a result, it will be necessary on occasion to seek marriage therapy, counseling or marriage family therapy from professionals such as a psychotherapist, a psychologist or a relationship advice specialist who will be able to help you and your spouse work through he problems that exist.

There are no problems they cannot handle, except those problems you refuse to work through.

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Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those dont even make it past the first year. Understanding why these marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail. Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.

Communication is critical to the success of a marriage. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable. Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.

If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each others points of view.

If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage. The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isnt enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns. While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage. Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage. This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage.

Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure. A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage. When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair. Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members. Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts.

Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married. Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of lifes experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.

Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married. This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages. With so little value placed on marriage in todays society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.

Many marriages today are doomed before they even start. Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.